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A Digital Devil’s Dictionary: The Real Meanings of the Words That Make You a Zero or a Hero

Article November 8, 2018  |  Text by Petra Baumruková Text by Petra Baumruková

If a curious reporter stopped you on the street and asked you what a phone, wifi, or hashtag is, you’d definitely stand up straight, put on your game face, breathe in deep, and deliver an informed answer. And make a fool of yourself. Study our digital dictionary to learn the real right answers!

Phone

1. An external extension to the right (sometimes left) arm, attached after waking up and detached before sleeping. Most often helpful for reaching work unobserved, avoiding evening marital conversations, and above all, managing to exist while on a toilet.

2. A common source of right-thumb injuries. In 50% of cases, these involve joint inflammation due to scrolling long feeds and swiping, while in the other 50%, they involve cuts caused by shattered displays, because they’re all shattered.

3. A tool for nonstop contact with your surroundings. Also: a tool for ignoring your surroundings nonstop. Especially when your mother is calling.

Hashtag

1. A truth that comes, in a word, after every post online.

2. When something’s dumb enough to say it, sing it. When something’s dumb enough to write it, #tagit.

3. What makes Leoš Mareš’s Instagram account so popular.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

#SnídaněNaChalupě #MichalupinskáRestaurace #ChlebaSPaštikouVeSkluzu

Příspěvek sdílený Leoš Mareš (@leosmares),

 

Wifi

1. An essential part of every good restaurant. Basically silverware.

2. The most common answer to the question, “What would you take to a desert island?”

3. The reason why cable manufacturers committed mass suicide at the beginning of the century.

Nomophobia

1. A disease. Similar to chronic migraines. Many suffer from it, but few even try to cure its causes with the help of experts.

 

Digital Detox

1. A typical item on enlightened to-do lists. A bit like eating broccoli. We know it’s good for us, but we have other more important things to do. Like reading MoreThanOffice.

2. See “Offline” and “Offline Day” (below).

 

Offline

1. A mythical state from pre-digital times. King Arthur’s Camelot is a good comparison. So is the Stone Age.

2. A nightmare shared by all millennials.

3. The only parental threat that still works on teenagers.

Offline Day

1. A mass event preceded and succeeded by a high concentration of people online. They have to tell the world they’ll be unavailable the next day and that they’re doing something great for themselves. Afterwards they have to share their feelings—mostly of freedom.

2. The day when everybody’s pretending not to be on social networks.

3. A day artificially created by shopping centers to bring people in to these cathedrals of consumption.

 

Phubbing

1. Where am I? Why am I here? Who are these people talking to me? Wait… who even wants to know?

 

Notifications

1. How our phones became carnivals.

2. A precaution to ensure that you never leave your phone lying around for over two minutes.

3. A womanizer’s death.

 

Youtuber

1. What every teenager wants to be when they grow up. Sort of like a fireman, an astronaut, a princess, or Britney Spears for previous generations.

2. A young individual with a strange nickname and even stranger videos designed to be strangely attractive for strange internet people.

Updated entry: All the famous youtubers have grown up and announced to the world that they definitely are not youtubers. Nobody wants to be a youtuber. Being a youtuber is a bit like living back in Camelot without wifi or a phone and writing statuses with the hashtag that it’s your #offlineday.