In trouble at work? First try literally feeling zero guilt. Then double down, drop the politeness, and lay the blame! If not even that works, then somebody’s gonna get smacked...
Just Blame Somebody
Your boss asks who messed up? Then take our prime minister’s advice: find someone to blame, then “don’t be polite, say that name!” Sometimes it’s just better to leave your own responsibility for team management aside. Just be ready for the consequences: all heads turned aside in the company kitchen...
Only My Life Matters
Client doesn't like your great idea? That obviously doesn’t matter, since you tried. So for those situations, forget about other people’s work and lives, and graduate from the premier’s advice to his self-justification: “I don’t know what went wrong, or even where anything fundamental has gone wrong. I think I’ve been engaged in this from morning to night. I don’t have any feeling I’ve done something wrong. I don’t feel we’ve done anything wrong.”
The Best Defense Is YOU’RE GONNA GET SMACKED
They won’t let you say your piece at the meeting? Then do it like they do in Parliament! Roll up your sleeves, head up to your boss, and shout out to the room: “You’re not gonna censor ME! I have a right to speak freely! And if you come up here, you're gonna get smacked—got it?!” If all goes well, your workmates might not even call the cops.
I Identify as Blameless
In hot water because you crapped the bed so long ago it’s reached room temperature? Try handling it like our president does! “Even though nothing happened, well, it was enormously abused here by the mass media (err, the company newsletter?) and I feel that guilt in that sense, but not in the factual sense.” On the other hand, that tactic nearly flopped for the president, so you’d best leave it alone.
Y’all Just Haters!
Criticism from the team? It’s time to name where the true problem lies: “You’re not my colleagues, you’re my haters.” Then they might be too busy teasing you on Twitter to mock you in the hall. (That’s the tack YouTuber Jakub Gulab took when trying to defend the failed $22k TikTok promotion he co-authored for the government.)
Ever accidentally sent a client an unflattering email? Pull out that phone and explain it all in the style of far-right parliamentarian Okamura—in our age it works for nearly everything and everyone:
“I had a 39-degree fever, and the whole firm knew it. And also my workmates were constantly attacking me with questions. I had no idea what I was writing in that email...” Or maybe next time just take sick leave, eh?
The Political Is Mystical
Is Corporate crucifying you for unmet quarterly goals? Show them the cosmos is on your side!
“I beg you, last night was a really important thing, and 11:43 was the solstice, the solar eclipse, the new moon, and Mother Earth and Father Sun sent us a message—I beg you—that we should cooperate, at least four months, that we have to connect, and that nobody else will have a say in our little activity.”
And then just pray that Corporate is also governed by Mercury in retrograde.
(P.S. The above is an opus of Prime Minister—and apparently future TV astrologer—Andrej Babiš.)