It’s a big deal when a teammate leaves your company. Either you can’t stand them, and so you break out in a burst of joy and shamelessly steal their ergonomic chair while they’ll still in their notice period. Or it’s someone who’s grown on you, and that’s not as fun. And the absolute worst variant is when it’s your friend. Because in that case their departure is a pure, unbridled BETRAYAL. And for that, they’ll pay!
Gone are the days when you swore that you’d only leave together. To found your own company. Now—BOOM!
All it takes them is a stupid raise, a company car, their own office with a view of the river, unlimited somethings on the job, a golf trainer, a running track on the roof, massages on the job too, a company doctor at a private clinic, a company credit card… and the promise is gone.
Phase #1: Desperation
Naturally you act on the outside as if you wished them the best. You always suspected that that new job was waiting just for them; they’ll finally get some use out of their Mandarin Chinese; and anyway, you’ll still see each other whenever you want. But in reality you both know that you might see each other once a year at Christmas, where they might, might show up in their Tesla.
While you stand and think “what now?” in the public bus on your way home to your dull apartment. Who will join you for a cig? For gossip about how Jeff is a brown-noser and Vera dresses like a tramp? Who will cover your back, and you theirs, when one of you forgets to send a report to headquarters—or forgets to come into work? All that’s in the past.
Phase #2: Revenge
Now you’ve got two options. Either you make a show of leaving the company for a volunteer mission in Nepal to show everyone how you don’t care about money and a career, and how you’re morally elevated and one with Zen (although your friend, who’s in the middle of a company massage, is too).
Or—and this is the more likely option—you find a new pal among the gang. It may not go easily at first—after all, your years of “friendship” with the traitor have left you not even knowing the names of your workmates (except for Jeff and Vera… but they might know about your gossip). It’s quite possible that some of them can’t stand you and are secretly vying to steal your gel mouse pad.
But don’t give up! Explore the market and learn their names, favorite coffee capsules, and above all—work potential/loyalty. History shall not be repeated! So carefully choose the company’s worst employee, so they’ll never leave you and will at least partly replace the Traitor.
Now you can start spreading slander about the departing villain worry-free. An uncompleted timesheet from March here, a misplaced invoice there. Then inform all your workmates of the failures you’ve heard about at their new workplace, and don’t forget to add that you liked them, but something about them always bugged you.
That’s the only way to ensure that the next time it’s time for goodbyes, nobody will be sad that you’re leaving.